It gets hard, fast

I really don't think of myself as a perseverer (is that a word? The squiggly red line says no) ... the momentum and excitement of starting again only lasts a few days. I really wish I was one of those people that running and fitness comes naturally to. People who can just pick up and run a few miles, without needing to work their way up slowly. 

My legs and hip have been achy the last few days. Part of me says, "Don't let it stop you!" and part of me says, "you've been injured before, be wary and don't overdo it!" ... but I've found - time and time again - that it's really hard to tell when aches mean "stop" and when they mean "persevere" ...

I get bogged down my so many things. I like the running apps telling me how far I've gone, even if they can't seem to agree with each other right now. But I get disheartened when they reports the times and splits and I realize that my overall speeds are slower than some people walk. In fact, the first time I started running someone told me that. "I can walk faster than you are running!" ... and while I'm sure it's true, oof, it didn't help.  I tell myself that my speeds don't matter, it's DOING it that matters. And some of the time I believe it. I tell myself that even if I'm always slow, I'm okay with that, as long as I keep doing it. And sometimes that's true. I really don't think I ever WILL be fast, with my short little stocky legs ... but I'm not really in this to race anyone but myself.

I get bogged down with people suggesting running isn't for everyone (which is true!) or that there are better forms of exercise, more efficient, more etc. ... whatever. And that's probably true, too. Sometimes I feel lame for *wanting* to run, and my head fills up with overthinking things. Maybe I should do intervals. Again. Maybe i should do weight training. again. Maybe I should mix it up, different exercise every day. Lord knows I own enough videos and equipment to do a variety of things. Running is the only thing I really come back to *wanting* to do, and don't get discouraged thinking about.

And sometimes I do get discouraged about it.

If I can just learn to keep persevering.
Keep shushing the negative voice that has a strong presence in my brain.
Keep trying again, keep not quitting ...

maybe someday it will become a way of life.

Hey, this post needs a title!

Day ... something! I already lost track. :) But it doesn't matter, because I'm on track even if I miss a day! YEAH!

Yesterday:

• exercise:  I walked 2 miles  with Leslie Sansone and did the 6 minute No Excuses Workout
• water: drank ALMOST 4 cups. I realize that's not "enough" but it's better than my previous none. 
• Caffeine: Limited myself to one cup of coffee.
• food: ate more fruits and veggies, tried to limit portion size
• mood: not terrible, not great. Weather has a lot to do with it.

Today:

• exercise: W1D2 of 10K Runner App, doubled the intervals time, total distance out (including warm up and cool down) ~3 miles, stretched afterwards
• water: uh, none yet. 
• caffeine: Only one cup of coffee.
• food: remembered to eat breakfast! healthy lunch with fruits and veggies. YEAH!
• mood: feeling like a rock star. No sun today, so maybe it's the running endorphins. Woot!

Tomorrow:

• Going out of town tonight for the JAM retreat this weekend - planning to take my running clothes and get up early. Seriously.

Interaction:

I see there's been some views. Maybe it's morbid curiosity or random bots. (Hi bots!) ... but if you're real, leave me a comment .... Do it for a needy extrovert. ;)

You gotta restart somewhere: the rambles

I wonder, have I alienated all my grammar-nerd friends in my first post, by using "gotta" in the title? It's good to do that up front, so that I'm free to just write what's in my head. I might not even proofread. This isn't my place for polished well worded thoughts. Haha, you're right, I don't really have a place for that.

This is my blog about re-starting. Re-re-re-starting. Again.

What am I going to blog about? Exercise and nutrition and health thoughts, goals, progress, failure, and re-starts. And, most likely, spiritual and emotional insights along the way. They're pretty inseparable in my head, from the other stuff. I think that's one big thing I like about running, it gives me time to reflect.

Why am I starting a blog? Because I'm trying to spare facebook the barfing out of my thoughts. haha! But really. But, as an extrovert, I process things better "out loud".  But also as a place to track progress and put my goals into writing.

Not that I've made a bunch of goals, yet. I'm afraid of commitment. Afraid of failure. I've gone down this road many many times before.

But that's where I'm planning for this time to be different.  This time I'm going in to it expecting some failure and setback, rather than aiming for perfection. I've had great success with all-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking ... for awhile ... until I'm not the wrong side of the line. Then I fall off the wagon, roll down the hill, the wagon rolls back down too, over me, and squashes me into the muddy ruts.

This time I'm just going to re-start. Every day is a re-set button from the day before.

I consider this "day 3" because I started thinking about this on Tuesday. I re-started exercising on Tuesday. I re-(re-re-re...) started the 'couch to 10k' plan I use, ran the first day. Realized how much I really enjoy going out and doing something. It feels good to be out. It feels good to work hard. I also did week1 day1 yesterday. Because I felt like it.  Today I'll try to do something different, but something that is still exercise.

Other things I've started: drinking! some! water!

I know. More radical than trying to become a runner, for me.

I'm not drinking a lot ... yet ... but hey. It's a step forward.

What else? Vaguely trying to eat better. I am still working on how I will determine that. Still tired of thinking about food. It's been too many years. Trying to approach something less rigid.

Caffeine? ha. Well, at this point I'm trying to be consistent in my intake. First step towards quitting is leveling off, not being so crazy-inconsistent.

The other big thing? Attitude.  No, more than that.  I'm going to try to let go of the negative self image I've held to. Held tightly on to. I believe God gave me a little insight about my disconnect between believing Truth and feeling Truth.  I'm full of head knowledge, but often don't really feel like it's true; Especially when it comes to how it relates to how I see myself.  I've been deliberately holding on to my negative self image because ... it's familiar. And ... funny? Anyway.

I have, actually, a lot more in my head to say about self-image and things I felt God saying ... I actually have something in my mind that I want to *paint* ... but I haven't painted in years, and don't have the supplies, and am not sure I could put this big! to! me! spiritual insight onto a canvas in a way that captures the breadth and depth of it ... but this is already long. I'm already second guessing whether anyone will read this. And then reminding myself that I'm really writing it for myself. But the extrovert side of me assumes there will be some readers getting tired, by now, of my many words.

Which is a whole 'nother question ... how do I blog for myself, but be content with whether I'm read or not? Without changing what I say in order to please readers, real or imaginary. But I won't worry about that, yet.

So ... I've squandered part of my would-be exercise time blogging instead of exercising. I'm going to go change into workout clothes and do something right now.  Because running late is not the same as too late.